♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪
(woman on radio) Thank you, Jack. I'm Dr. Kelly.
We're going to be talking about mothers and daughters, the dark side.
And we're ready for our first call. Hello?
Hi, you're on the air with Dr. Kelly.
I need your first name only. My name is Cher.
And your problem, Cher?
I have a 55-year-old daughter named Dorothy, Dorothy Zbornak.
She's got problems.
First names only, please. I told you, it's Cher.
Zbornak. You said Dorothy Zbornak. Oh, sorry.
So what's wrong with this Dorothy Zbornak?
She's still living home, and she's cramping my style.
Have you done anything in a positive direction
to encourage separation?
When I hear her coming, I hide.
Uh, gotta go.
Morning, Ma. Good morning, Pussycat.
(♪ Humming)
Blanche, honey, are you OK?
Never better. Why?
I've just never seen you do anything domestic.
Dorothy, I've done the laundry thousands of times.
Oh, by the way, we're out of ble-ach.
Blanche, you dropped these. Oh, thanks.
Men's underwear?
Getting a little misty, are you, Pussycat?
I don't believe it.
Blanche Devereaux doing laundry for a man?
Not just any man. Rex Huntington. Ohh...
Rex Huntington?
Isn't he the guy who stood you up last week?
Yeah, he did, but I happen to like the man,
so I'm giving him a second chance.
That was his second chance. He stood you up the week before that.
You're enjoying this, aren't you, Dorothy?
Oh, yeah.
Look, Rex and I have had lots of nice dates together.
Maybe he's a little unpredictable,
but that's what makes him so exciting.
That and... these.
I wish Miles was more unpredictable.
I know where I'm going every night.
Miles and I are in such a rut.
It was never like that with Charlie.
You want to talk about a rut, try spending three nights in a row with this one.
Ma, I thought you liked the lunar landing jigsaw puzzle.
Sure, Pussycat. It makes whatever time I have left seem so much longer.
I hate to admit it,
but my relationship with Miles is really getting boring.
We even make love the same.
How?
Well, first he says, "Let's go watch TV in the bedroom."
And then I think, "Wait, he doesn't have a TV in the bedroom."
And then he says, "Come lie down. I won't try anything."
And then we have four hours of the most boring sex
you've ever had in your life.
Four hours?
I guess it could take less
if I stopped playing hard to get.
Ma, you you put Buzz Aldrin's head
on Neil Armstrong's body.
I did? Yes, Ma, you did.
I'm so ashamed.
I wouldn't blame you if you sent me to bed. Now, right now.
Look, Ma, it's important to be accurate. Now look at the box.
Hey, Pussycat, it says here, "From ages 8 to 80."
I'm out. I'm out.
Come on, Ma.
Hi, Dorothy, Sophia.
You kids have fun tonight?
Oh, did we ever.
There's this sewing shop on Fourth Street.
In the back they've got a thimble museum I've wanted to go to.
You could put in a thimble what most people know about thimbles.
(laughing loudly)
Well, no, that's not mine.
They tell that one down at the thimble museum.
You actually had a good time at a thimble museum?
It was sew-sew.
No, again, that was not mine.
They sell bumper stickers out of the thimble museum.
So, Rose, how 'bout tomorrow night? Hmm? Dinner at the usual?
And, you know, uh, we've been putting off that trip to Zippertown.
Do you think we'll have time after dinner?
Well, Zippertown is always open.
I'm sorr-That was mine. Just now, I swear.
Good night, Rose.
"Always open." (laughs)
Two hours of learning about thimbles
from foreign lands.
I couldn't wait to give the headset back.
Look, Rose, have you talked to Miles?
I think this is just who he is.
I don't think I was ever bored for one day
when I was with Charlie.
He had a theory - "Even a trip to the bank can be exciting
if you wear a ski mask."
He would say that often?
Almost as often as he'd say, "Don't shoot. It's me - Charlie Nylund."
(sighs)
What's the problem? Oh, Rex Huntington. That's the problem.
It's 10:00, and I've been stood up again.
I feel totally unattractive, undesirable and ignored.
Oh, Dorothy, you explain it to 'em.
Well, Blanche feels the way any one of us would feel
if we were stood up three times.
(chuckles) Three whole times.
Three in a row. Ha-ha-ha. Count 'em - 1, 2...
Dorothy!
Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche.
Come on, honey, sit down. Now, it's not so bad.
Do what the rest of us do.
Sure, our dance cards may not be filled,
but at least we can face the lonely nights together.
We're like sisters.
You're right.
Sisters united in the battle against the opposite sex.
(doorbell rings) See you later, sisters.
It's date time.
Only first, I'm gonna let that man know just how I feel.
Rex Huntington, where ha-
Looks like he knows how she feels.
You wait right here. I'll get my purse. I won't be a minute.
Don't bother. It's too late to go out. We're staying here?
I wish I could. I just came by to give my favorite girl a kiss.
And since I've already done that,
I'll just take my laundry and go home.
Come on, it's not too late to go out.
I mean, you kept me waiting for hours.
No, no, no. I'm sorry, baby. I'm tired.
But I'm all dressed up, and I'm wearing your favorite perfume.
Hey, I said it was too late to go out.
I guess you think I come over here to get nagged.
And to get your laundry. Don't forget your laundry.
Well, Rex...
Look, I guess I do owe you an apology. Yes, I think you do.
I got a better idea. Tomorrow night, I'm taking you out.
I'll call you tomorrow, and we'll decide where.
We'll have a great time. OK? OK.
Ooh.
So that's a typical date with Blanche.
I mean, after you cut out all the dirty parts.
You know what the joke going around the teachers' lounge was today, Ma? Me.
I know that joke.
Everybody heard on the radio that some anonymous "Ma" was complaining
that her dependent daughter Dorothy doesn't have a life of her own.
What, you think you're the only gray-haired
spinster substitute teacher named Dorothy
wasting her life away in Miami?
I'm sorry, Sophia, but in Dorothy's defense,
that sure does sound a lot like her.
(♪ Jazz on radio)
Hello, Rose. Oh, hi, Miles.
I was just listening to a song Charlie and I used to dance to.
We've danced to it, too.
Not around a campfire, hoping for rain.
Look, Rose...
Rose, we gotta talk.
Are things between us getting a little dull?
Oh, let's face it.
You and I are Yawn City, population - two.
Miles, do you love me?
Well, of course I do.
How much?
Well, I don't know. Lots.
Enough to jump out of an airplane?
Well, sure, sure.
Enough to climb the highest mountain,
swim the widest river, jump out of an airplane.
So, what do you say? Dinner, huh?
Then we'll over to my place and watch some TV.
I won't try anything, I swear.
I have made arrangements for us tomorrow.
Oh? What arrangements?
We're supposed to show up at the hangar
at 10:00 in the morning for skydiving class.
Wha-You mean actually jump out of an airpl-literally?
Oh, there is nothing like skydiving.
I mean, soaring through the air... the freedom of it,
the whole idea of plummeting toward a pasture
and watching a cow get bigger and bigger.
It's just something we should do together before we die.
Rose, could-couldn't I just run toward you yelling, "Moo"?
Too little too late, Miles.
We're gonna jump out of that airplane.
Hey, what do you want for dinner? Nothing too heavy.
Am I fat?
What, no, "Hello. Am I fat?"
Dorothy, I seriously want to know. Am I fat?
Well, of course not.
Oh, this guy Rex is ruining your self-esteem.
Did he say that you're fat?
Not in so many words.
But I am starting to wonder whether "barrel-butt"
is really a term of endearment.
(doorbell rings) Oh!
God, it's Rex.
Oh, Rex! Why, you're right on time, aren't you, you devil?
You remember my roommates...
What are you dressed for? We're going to a beach party.
Oh, I could've sworn you said the theater.
Once again, you're wrong. I'll go change.
No, no, no, just skip it. We're late. This is so stupid.
What's the big deal? I can go change. No, there's no time.
You're the one that's going to be embarrassed, not me.
I'll be waiting in the car.
Boy, he makes Wallace Beery look like Adolphe Menjou.
Has been a long time since I've taken you to the movies, hasn't it?
Blanche, this guy has gone past being a challenge.
He is really treating you very badly.
Dorothy, you'll see. I'm just reeling him in.
Blanche, look, I usually don't talk to you about the men you date.
Nor do I talk to you about the men you date. Oh, ha-ha.
Listen to me. I made a joke.
Blanche, this is no laughing matter.
How can you take this kind of abuse?
Abuse? I'll have you know he has never raised a hand to me.
Verbal abuse, Blanche.
He talks like that all the time. I just don't pay any attention.
You're making excuses for him. (horn honks)
Look, can we continue this conversation later,
when I can find both the time and the interest?
Right now I have a date.
Look, Blanche, I'm only thinking of you.
(honking) Well, you know what I think?
I think you just ought to mind your own damn business.
I'm comin', sweetheart!
Sea of Tranquility, come to Mama.
Lunar module, you're out of here! Yah!
That's it! Yes! Ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ho-ho.
It's just a puzzle, Dorothy.
You didn't make this much noise on your wedding night.
Oh, Ma, Ma, it looks great, doesn't it?
Sure. Let's bust it up. No, wait.
Blanche and Rose haven't seen it.
Dorothy, they have dates. They get to see the real moon.
Oh, I wish Blanche wasn't out on a date.
I just hate the thought of her being with that guy Rex.
I'll tell you, no man would ever treat me that way, and you know why, Ma?
The whole city knows why. They heard it on the radio.
Rose, how was your date with Miles?
We had a great time.
He seemed much more exciting tonight.
Miles is living every moment like it's his last.
He bought champagne,
and we toasted our first skydive tomorrow.
Your what? We're gonna go skydiving.
You're going skydiving? Mm-hmm.
A room with a view.
A room with a -
I mean, good luck.
Oh, hi, girls.
Oh, Blanche, how was the beach party?
I'm not a big fan of beach parties.
I'm just glad that you got home safely.
Are you still on that Rex thing?
Listen, for your information, he apologized and apologized
about the things he was sayin' when we were leaving.
Then he invited me marlin fishing,
just the two of us on the open seas.
He says it's the ideal vacation.
Sure. No witnesses.
Now, Blanche, I know you find Rex alluring,
but, honey, I know where you're headed.
I mean, I was once in an abusive relationship.
Hey, Stan was a yutz, but when was he abusive?
Not Stan. I've had relationships with other men.
Oh, yeah, the evil pen pal.
So, what did Koo Duk Kim say in his letters
that hurt my little girl?
No, it was in high school.
Michael Tortelli, remember?
Captain of the football team.
Oh, he was beautiful.
Black wavy hair. Strong Roman nose.
And he could read.
Oh, him.
He was always putting me down.
Made me feel like I had no self-worth.
Will you stop it? This has nothing to do with me.
Maybe Rex is right. Maybe I have gained a few pounds.
Maybe I could try a little harder.
You are buying right into this.
What makes you such an expert on relationships?
This is male/female stuff. This is what I know.
If I need advice on jigsaw puzzles,
I'll come to you.
Seconds after you jump, your chute will open automatically,
and you'll lurch upwards.
Unfortunately, not high enough to get back in the plane.
Now, all you have to do is relax and enjoy the view.
The only thing to remember is,
when you hit the ground, tuck and roll.
Tuck and roll. Say it.
(all) Tuck and roll.
Someone didn't say "tuck."
I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous.
Well, that's good. It'll keep you on your toes.
Too bad there won't be anything underneath 'em.
OK, we take off in five minutes.
Are you excited? Dumbstruck.
Oh, I know that feeling.
I just hope I remember everything the instructor said.
You must know what you're doing. You did this with Charlie.
Well, we wanted to, but - "But"? "But"?
Rose, the way you talked, I thought you two did this all the time.
Now, I'm confused.
And, you know, I feel like I'm getting smarter.
That's why we're good for each other.
What about all those other great things you two did?
Camping, tennis, boating?
All the time.
Well, maybe only once.
See, Charlie had this unnatural fear.
Of what? Camping, tennis, boating.
Rose, don't you see? You're remembering the way it never was.
Then you're expecting me to compete with it.
That's not true.
Listen, Rose, I can't fight a ghost.
Gee, Charlie's not only dead, he's much younger.
Look, Rose, you know I'm nuts about you,
but I shouldn't have to prove it
by jumping out of an airplane.
I'm-I'm over 60.
Well, so is Paul Newman, and he still races cars.
I don't want to be compared with Charlie,
and I sure as hell don't want to be compared with Paul Newman.
Although I gotta tell you,
I do make a better salad dressing.
In fact, I don't want to be compared with anybody.
I'm the best me there is, and that should be enough.
It is. Why, I don't know why I put you through all this.
Now that I think of it,
I guess there were times that Charlie was a little boring.
Not that I loved him any less.
That's all I ask, Rose, that you love me even when I'm boring.
Oh, I do, Miles.
OK, it's time to take off.
Let's go home. OK.
Rose, uh... you say... Charlie never did this?
I think he was scared.
He was, huh? (chuckles)
OK, Rose, come on. Let's go for it.
I bet if Charlie had jumped,
he'd have thrown in a few somersaults.
Don't push it, Rose.
Well, I have everything I need for the fishing trip.
Plenty of suntan lotion and a string bikini.
I don't want the fish to be the only things nibblin'.
Or floppin' around in the boat.
Blanche. Yes?
I've been trying to think of something to say to you,
some words that would make you come to your senses,
and all I can come up with is, "Don't go."
That's it? It would be wrong for me to keep quiet
and let you go off with this guy when I know you're gonna be hurt.
You've had your say, but I do not agree with you,
so please just stay out of it.
If you're trying to help me, you're just kiddin' yourself.
Darn it, I forgot my lucky silver dollar.
What do you need that for? To get lucky.
(doorbell rings)
Hi. Is Blanche ready?
Not quite yet. Would you like to sit down?
No. I'm in a hurry. She'll only be a few minutes.
Great. Now we're gonna run into traffic. I hate it when she does this.
You evidently hate it when she does a lot of things.
What? Nothing. I'm staying out of it.
Good. Do you want to go light a fire under her?
No, I don't think so. Why not?
Because I think she's getting burned enough as it is.
Would you just go tell Blanche to hurry up?
I've got to teach this woman what being on time means.
Wait a minute. I don't want you teaching her anything.
You're starting to get on my nerves.
Good, because you're already on mine.
I don't like the way you're treating Blanche.
Under all that makeup and sexy talk,
there's a little girl there, and for some reason,
she's letting you take advantage of her.
I can't stop her from seeing you,
but I'll be damned if I'm gonna hurry her up.
Who do you think you are? A friend.
This is none of your business. Just butt out.
You're hurting me. Stop that!
Are you ready?
I think you'd better go.
Oh, look, look... Uh, uh, I'm sorry.
Really, I'm sorry. Uh...
Look, sweetie, you know I don't mean these things I say.
Just leave. If I walk out that door, I'm not coming back here.
That's a promise I'm gonna see that you keep.
Are you all right? I'm OK.
I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. Honey, I'm fine.
You know, until I saw him grab you,
I-I just couldn't see what he was.
Listen, it could've been a lot worse.
Most people in an abusive relationship
have to hit bottom before they can get out.
You were lucky.
Your bottom is a lot higher than most people's.
Well, I'm off. Oh, where you going, Rose?
To see Miles.
Visiting hours at the hospital are until ten.
Please tell him I hope his leg feels better.
Oh, he feels great.
He says a week in bed is just what he needs.
Tell him I'll drop by to see him again tomorrow.
I went by that thimble museum.
I got him a thimble from France.
See, it's got this little man on it,
and when you turn it upside dow... (chuckles)
I think I'll keep this one for myself.
You know, your Miles is a pretty exciting guy.
I hope you know that.
Oh, I know it now.
You don't realize how much you care for a man
until you see him streaking toward the earth trying to grab a bird.
Boy, he must really love you.
Well, I love him, too.
Boy, am I glad I didn't jump.